UFOLOGICAL TOUPEES

Mood: anticipatory

It is a working necessity, if a practicing Ufologist, to acquire a toupee if as a result of age or excessive masturbation, you begin to lose your hair. If you don't wear one then there is a serious risk, if calling upon a UFO witness who might be in a fragile state of mind due to their sighting, of tipping them over the edge into madness. If they open their front door and are greeted by the sight of a grinning, bald headed twatipotomus who may also be wearing spectacles that greatly magnify his eyes, the witness could think that one of the aliens on the UFO he had just seen had come round to finish him off. Speaking of which, Biddy always finishes me off but she is very considerate in that direction.

But I digress. Obviously we don’t want witnesses to have heart attacks as a result of opening the door to us. We’ll need them later to help prop up our fragile case when we come under attack on UFO UpDates. So it is essential to appear as normal as possible in our public presentation, even if underneath we are, as is likely what with being Ufologists ‘n all, far from normal. Toupees are the answer!

Some people in Ufology have been very far sighted and are already wearing them. Every so often we will spotlight one such person and hold them up to public ridicule, I’m sorry; I meant to say we’ll put them in the public spotlight. So that the bright light can shine on any outstanding bald bits and make them look even dumber.

Our first spotlightee is author and professional idiot Robert Collins. Robert wrote the marvellous book, Copy Editing? You Must Be Having A Laugh along with a bunch of other retards. We spoke to him:

A. Hi Robert; why do you wear a toupee?

RC. Because I’m bald.

A. Do you think you fool anybody with it?

RC. Yes. Everybody. Nobody has guessed before you.

A. Are you married?

RC. Yes.

A. Didn’t your wife comment?

RC. No, she didn’t notice. I should mention though that she’s blind.

A. If she wasn’t blind, do you think she would notice then?

RC. No, it’s a very good toupee.

A. Actually, you do know it looks like there’s a dead cat sitting on your head?

See http://alienseekernews.com/researchers/collins.jpg

RC. What breed?

A. Siamese/Persian cross.

RC. That’s OK then.

A. You also look very shiny in that picture Robert. Cadavers look a lot like that after the undertaker has got through with them. Do you mind me asking; are you dead?

RC. No, I use a sun lamp a lot.

Well that’s that then.

Some people take the wearing of a toupee to a fashion extreme and wear one even if they don’t need one. Some people wear “bald toupees” whereby they might have a full head of hair but wear a toupee to convey the impression they are completely bald.

Here is an example of one such person:

http://www.presidentialufo.com/Image22.gif


And finally, that brings us nicely round to Alfred Lehmberg’s beard.

http://alienview.net/alcolor.jpg

A dermatologist writes:

“Mr. Lehmberg’s facial hair displays unusual characteristics. The curvature, texture and general strength of the displayed furze strongly suggests to me that that this is not in fact a genuine beard. The overall trait implies that the hair is from the scrotal and anal area of Mr Lehmberg’s body and that he has meticulously extracted each follicle and pasted it on to a gauze sheet which he adheres to his face on a daily basis. This requires some dedication as I would imagine the “wig” would be quite uncomfortable to wear, and that is aside from the smell which I would think would be overpowering. I am not familiar with Mr. Lehmberg but why he would want to go to so much trouble as to convey the impression that he is a wood pixie I do not know.

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE IN UFOLOGY WHO WEARS A TOUPEE, DO LET ARTHUR KNOW