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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Flying Saucerwankery; Arthur’s Back

I notice there is talk of my death, Andy Roberts, pain, diarrhea, and other unpleasantness in my absence. The cats away and you lot come scurrying out to take advantage. But I cannot be angry for I see that you have been enjoying yourselves and carrying on with the fine principles and traditions previously established here. And so I say; good luck to you.

So, where have I been, you might ask. I’ll tell you freaking where; in Despair. It’s just been too awful to contemplate. Mine is a tragic but uncomplicated story that won’t take long to relate, for it goes, quite simply, like this. It’s all turned to absolute fucking, god awful shite.

And what’s more, having not purged myself for a while of my pent up frustration and exasperation, it has now culmatively swelled to such a massive, throbbing, pulsating climax of spermatozoal puss that I fear I have lost complete control and it will erupt in a monster wave of white bile that will shoot skywards for miles and then will take ages to slowly trickle downwards and back to earth with the result that you’ll be wiping it off your terminals and keyboards for months to cum. So be it.

But………..where to begin?

Useless Fuck Orifice magazine, aka UFO twattycuntybollocks drivel has now sunk below the line it’s possible to sink to. There cannot be any sane person interested in the subject who actually reads this piss poor magazine any longer because other than the title, what actually does the publication have in common with the subject any more? Last time I looked, the main article seemed to be some garbage about a night club singer. Duh? There’s someone else in there that looks like Worzel Gummidge but might actually be a little furry hamster that ferrets around the English language like a demented, garrulous, non stop fart machine and then there’s Regan Lee. Okay we’ll leave that one for now.

And the paper that the whole shambolic mess is printed on? Give it to Sheryl Crow, she’ll know what to do with it.

And aren’t you all traumatized by the fact that little Lesley’s cable connection was recently knocked off. Well, if you won’t pay the bill you silly cow, what do you fucking expect, you cretinous, useless asswipe? Back to Starbucks with you. Your absence may have got you as wound up a cat’s gut on a banjo but it gave the rest of us a blessed fucking break from the shite awful mess and your “it takes six hours to load” web site.

D’yaknow? I’m beginning to feel better already.

3 Comments:

  • At 3:00 AM, Anonymous anonymole said…

    And the paper that the whole shambolic mess is printed on? Give it to Sheryl Crow, she’ll know what to do with it.

    Who's that one-tit whiner to tell me how many Marcel Toilet Papers I can use to wipe my ass? She's on to something else now anyway - adoption of a chihuahua puppy or a human baby.

    And aren’t you all traumatized by the fact that little Lesley’s cable connection was recently knocked off. Well, if you won’t pay the bill you silly cow, what do you fucking expect, you cretinous, useless asswipe? Back to Starbucks with you. Your absence may have got you as wound up a cat’s gut on a banjo but it gave the rest of us a blessed fucking break from the shite awful mess and your “it takes six hours to load” web site.

    Leslie shares too much and it's boring. I wouldn't mind Leslie sharing too much, if it were weird and amused me.

    I'm still getting over receiving a free copy of UFO Magazine, months after I canceled my subscription and find RubyReganRedQueenLeeNatashaOrangeOrbMagicFishdeer is a writer in it, along with Alfred Lehmberg and Jeremy Vaeni [who did a play and docudrama about his abductions]. I guess the new owners of UFO MAG think it will get me and others like me to re-subscribe. No fuckin' way!

    And as far as Starbucks goes, I say anyone who prefers Starbucks [like Leslie or that McMacTonnTonnies fellow that so often writes about his visits to said coffee shop] needs to take out a sharp knife and scrape the gunkjunk off their tongues in order for their buds to taste how burnt it is!

    Dunkin' Donuts, MacDonalds and Burger King coffee tastes better, as long as they're freshly brewed. I think Anonymichael can vouch for the BK coffee, as I've heard he works there, when not attending a single-course workload at his local community college or obsessively reading the latest entry here at your blogspot.

    D’yaknow? I’m beginning to feel better already.

    I was told you'd come back Arthur! A diminutive Sylph floated into my bedroom on the night of Embolc and mindmelded with me; sharing news of your return in Spring. I think the motherfucker then jerked me off and took my semen back to its fairy circle to create hybrid-changelings with, but it was all worth the fore-knowledge that you would return, Arthur!

     
  • At 4:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Talking to yourself, again, "Arthur"?

     
  • At 12:40 PM, Blogger Jeremy said…

    Wait. You mean Jeremy Vaeni isn't enough for you to buy the magazine? That can't be right. Something about that doesn't ring true. My mom says it's reason enough and she's got two degrees in...something. And something else. Frankly, we're barely on speaking terms.

    That's a lie. We speak a lot, just never about her, hence....

     

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